香气流转~```时间消散~```

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http://shadoworchild.blogbus.com/logs/40370962.html

I screwed everything up~~~```fuck! Seemed every good thing is far alway from me, and where I should go next? I really have no fucking ideas. How can I figure the things out? Who can tell me where is the fucking exit? Who will take me out of these shit? I really have no fucking ideas.

I feel lost, lost in this shitty world, and I'm drunk, really drunk, there are too many shitty happens, too many people around me are just wanna take advantage of me, but the thing is, actually I'm useless, where is my worthiness. In fact I'm regret about lots of things, I dont know how to deal with the world, dont know how to deal with the strangers, and how to deal with the greed of most people, I just wanna be who I am in this world, but when I grow up, I find out that even this is extremely difficulty, then I come to Andy, before he left China, he told me Shadow, please be yourself, and stay ture. Well that is what I want, but after I tried every my best, I finally waked up to how difficulty it is. And how unhappy I am. So I decide whatever the result is, I give it up anyway, I really cant handle this anymore, I am exhausting! What I wanna do, is just take a break and refresh my life.

Actually I really dont want to acknowledge that my choices are all wrong, I never wanna say I am wrong, cause we all knew that life is all about experience, however, maybe my subconscious tell me that your decision is wrong, all the efforts you did are wrong, you just put them in a wrong place, that's why you cant work it out. I really dont want to say that is ture, but I can never deny the reality, I only can accept the reality, and pretend I am happy about that. SHIT! You will never have an idea that when I'm happy and when I am not.

Hey Alex, we got to know each others almost over one year, you always afriad that I am lack of responsibilities, you even tried to leave me for that, but you back my side after all, I knew you still worry about that, even now when you are in Japan, you still worry about me. You know after I got over with Peter and after I went back from Kitty's, we almost make a decision about each other, and wanna be with each other forever, but I can never tell you what is forever is, you know I got too many commitments before, but none of them comes to ture, I was really disappoint about that, as you disappoint about this world, maybe including me. I still cant promise you that anything about forever, cause you know I am so afarid I cant make it out, I cant make it ture, and let you disappoint again, I dont want to hurt you, you are my favorite now, so please make allowance for my difficulties, and please give me time. You are in Sapporo right now, made me recall the night when I stay in YinChuan with Peter, we watching the night view from the hotel and he told me that the view is so alike Sapporo, I want to be there one day, to check out if that night really alike or not. In this big house right now, I really miss you. Trust me. You know when I give up the world, the world also give me up, maybe I really gave up by the world, All the things we used to insist in, all disappeared, the passport, the visa, the dream, I really dont know how to survive in there. I just want to be alone, I am so lost. And when you call me, I just dont want to let you know how hard I am in this moment. I want to figure it out, but how? I just deny, the only thing I can do right now is deny, I need to think about how can I breach, we are too young to talk about this, we are just too young, and have nothing. Actually what I want to do is get out of all these shit, I want to leave, I want to roam the street, in some places nobody get to know me, and think, by myself. Why I am so unhappy right now? Why? Why I brought so many troubles？？Maybe we should just let each other go, then I can get my freedom and you can find a good gal not as me. I am the person who can only screw you life and we shouldnt. What I want to say is, give me more time, I need to stay by myself for a while.

There is one day, we drive the car in the high speed way, you drive the car so so fast, you asked me do you scared? I am not, I will never scared about anything, but now, I am so scared, so confused, why I tried all my best to win others' trust and respect, I just cant make it? Please, give me more time, when I'm back, I'll tell your my decision, and that will be a decision for ever.