香气流转~```时间消散~```

I screwed everything up~~~```fuck! Seemed every good thing is far alway from me, and where I should go next? I really have no fucking ideas. How can I figure the things out? Who can tell me where is the fucking exit? Who will take me out of these shit? I really have no fucking ideas.

I feel lost, lost in this shitty world, and I'm drunk, really drunk, there are too many shitty happens, too many people around me are just wanna take advantage of me, but the thing is, actually I'm useless, where is my worthiness. In fact I'm regret about lots of things, I dont know how to deal with the world, dont know how to deal with the strangers, and how to deal with the greed of most people, I just wanna be who I am in this world, but when I grow up, I find out that even this is extremely difficulty, then I come to Andy, before he left China, he told me Shadow, please be yourself, and stay ture. Well that is what I want, but after I tried every my best, I finally waked up to how difficulty it is. And how unhappy I am. So I decide whatever the result is, I give it up anyway, I really cant handle this anymore, I am exhausting! What I wanna do, is just take a break and refresh my life.

Actually I really dont want to acknowledge that my choices are all wrong, I never wanna say I am wrong, cause we all knew that life is all about experience, however, maybe my subconscious tell me that your decision is wrong, all the efforts you did are wrong, you just put them in a wrong place, that's why you cant work it out. I really dont want to say that is ture, but I can never deny the reality, I only can accept the reality, and pretend I am happy about that. SHIT! You will never have an idea that when I'm happy and when I am not.

Hey Alex, we got to know each others almost over one year, you always afriad that I am lack of responsibilities, you even tried to leave me for that, but you back my side after all, I knew you still worry about that, even now when you are in Japan, you still worry about me. You know after I got over with Peter and after I went back from Kitty's, we almost make a decision about each other, and wanna be with each other forever, but I can never tell you what is forever is, you know I got too many commitments before, but none of them comes to ture, I was really disappoint about that, as you disappoint about this world, maybe including me. I still cant promise you that anything about forever, cause you know I am so afarid I cant make it out, I cant make it ture, and let you disappoint again, I dont want to hurt you, you are my favorite now, so please make allowance for my difficulties, and please give me time. You are in Sapporo right now, made me recall the night when I stay in YinChuan with Peter, we watching the night view from the hotel and he told me that the view is so alike Sapporo, I want to be there one day, to check out if that night really alike or not. In this big house right now, I really miss you. Trust me. You know when I give up the world, the world also give me up, maybe I really gave up by the world, All the things we used to insist in, all disappeared, the passport, the visa, the dream, I really dont know how to survive in there. I just want to be alone, I am so lost. And when you call me, I just dont want to let you know how hard I am in this moment. I want to figure it out, but how? I just deny, the only thing I can do right now is deny, I need to think about how can I breach, we are too young to talk about this, we are just too young, and have nothing. Actually what I want to do is get out of all these shit, I want to leave, I want to roam the street, in some places nobody get to know me, and think, by myself. Why I am so unhappy right now? Why? Why I brought so many troubles？？Maybe we should just let each other go, then I can get my freedom and you can find a good gal not as me. I am the person who can only screw you life and we shouldnt. What I want to say is, give me more time, I need to stay by myself for a while.

There is one day, we drive the car in the high speed way, you drive the car so so fast, you asked me do you scared? I am not, I will never scared about anything, but now, I am so scared, so confused, why I tried all my best to win others' trust and respect, I just cant make it? Please, give me more time, when I'm back, I'll tell your my decision, and that will be a decision for ever.

日历上面写说~```子时~``夜半销魂~```谁人歌```

最近买了很多书~```大醉之后的第二天是好像浮于水面的悬沉之感~```安全感再不是别人的认同或者嘉许~``而变成为银行户头里面不断累积的数字~```我想~``或者这便是与现实之间的一种妥协~```

他说~``make the deal~``我想~``也许~```the reality is the deal you making with the world right now~~`whatever~``

Su终于出发开始了旅行~```在路上~``每天会传消息相互问候~```笑~``很快的~``我也将要开始自己的旅程~```不可预知到底会有如何的际遇~```因这场旅程将非常的漫长~```亦没有为归途设限~```将不再有一个确定的回去的地点~```会被这场旅程带去哪里~```全凭机遇的引领~```只知道~```自己要做到的事情~``便是这些~```

这些日子里~```去了很多不同的城市~```熟悉的~``陌生的~```夜半听海水涨潮呼啸的声音~``邂逅沿途窜升起灭的烟花~``落雨当中看坐在木船里听水浆激起的水波声音~``当地人洗淖的寻常对谈~``日光下面躺在草地上仰头看头顶上飞过的风筝~``微醺的夜里和你一起听的打在帐篷上面滴滴答答的雨点的声音~```不想再多说一句话~```午夜的时候依然可以背着大包在异乡的街道上面执着的寻找记忆当中想要再去到的~``那些有着纯粹的快乐的地方~``从来没有放弃过~``亦从来没有害怕过~``若是孤独~```便要独自承受~``与用力~```因从来~``也不会有~```任何一个人~``或者任何一件事情~``可以救赎~``或者改变~```却是清楚~```都是可以被颠覆的~```

用media player放一首歌~```对着屏幕上面不断变化移转的图像发呆~```两颗无限靠近又不断分开的原子~```它们并排飞行~``相互追逐~``扭转~```又一下子跳开~```并且再次相聚~```在窗口里面上演一段千回百转~``视死如归的探戈~```我想或者我会去学习这样一种舞蹈~```但这并不是独自就可以完成的舞蹈~```机缘的存在~``以及到来~```唯有等待~```

有一天他说when you find your dream thing, please remember to tell me, cause i dont believe it really exist in this shitty world, and i want to believe that, always.

我笑~```只有笑~``或者如此的对话只能够说明彼此的不相信~```他其实不相信有这样一种存在~```而我其实不相信自己真的可以~```仅此~```所谓棋逢对手~```

你看到我~```我是快乐的~``所以不用担心~```那么我就是快乐的~```

今天出去买东西了~```在家宅了两天的结果就是购物欲大爆发~```6大袋战利品成功的占去了公交车上的一个座位~```笑~```

回来的时候~``从公交车的大窗户望出去突然发现是一个满月~```呵呵满月的时候总是要发生一些不寻常的事情~``是以前一个朋友讲给我听的~```那天是我的生日~```他帮我办了个Party~``然后送我回去学校的时候是一个满月~```巧的是去年的生日的时候也是个满月~```不过从来都没有任何不寻常的事情发生呢~```

今天给两年后的自己写了一封信~```不知道彼时收到信的自己是一番什么样的天地~```真是期待~```亦不知道你会什么时候来到我身边~```但是今天我给你准备了一个礼物~```等我终于遇见你的那一天我会拿出来给你~```会是多久以后呢?~```呵~``我想那个时候我们都会为这个傻气的礼物而大笑吧~```我现在已经在笑了呢~``呵呵~```

明天是休假的最后一天~```要去看<赤壁2>```要继续去买东西~```呵呵~``我真是一个热爱物质的人~```我要去旅行了~```真是开心真是开心~```要好好计划~```好久都没有这么开心了呢~```

你是小女超人嘛~```加油加油!~```

PS. 最近看了一本好片子~```叫<In search of a midnight kiss>~```很温暖的片子````

08年一年都过得非常的忙碌和新鲜~```找工作~``辞职~``回去学校~``疯狂的修改论文~```疯狂的约会~```找到新的工作~``毕业~```喝了很多酒~``见了很多人~``去了很多地方~```却始终没有一个真正爱的人和真正的旅行~```经历了很多人生的第一次~```真的是很丰富的一年~```也有一些小遗憾~``呵~``好在~```能够一直笑得心平气和~```不是一件坏事~```

08年的最后一天~``下班之后和朋友去吃了日本料理~```之后的行程就开始变得无比的混乱~```在烟花和爆竹声中穿越了到了09年~```在换Pub的出租车上和朋友一起跟着广播倒数~```身边弥漫着烟花爆竹燃尽的火药气味~```于是微醺的自己躺倒在出租车上的后座上~``在黑暗中笑起来~```过去的一年并不是不好~```只是变数太多~``太过丰富以至于混乱~```我想或者我是有一点老了~```我只想过一个平稳的2009年~```朋友一直会在身边~```父母能够一直健康~```工作能够让我一直有继续做下去的力量~```能够有一个可以一直牵手不想放开的人~```能够一起去旅行~```能够一直平静和快乐下去~```这些愿望大概谁都期待吧~``呵呵~``以前一直过着愤世嫉俗的人生~```却希望接下来的年月能够一直静好```大概因为一直在经历变化~```所以再不期待如此的生活~```只想要平静的生活~```确定自己的方向~```不想一直在黑暗当中摸索着前进~```也清楚要得到这样的生活并不容易~```依然是要去期待的~```

09年的凌晨从最后一个Pub里出来~```6个人挤上朋友的车去吃东西~```在豆浆大王里笑得放浪形骸~```在落着雨的街道上和大家道别然后打车回家~```2008就这样被送走了~```觉得这样的Ending也不错~``笑~```

09年的第一天和大叔见了面~```在河道边的咖啡店喝酒~```在夜色里去吃晚餐~```才发现路边上的水洼都结冻了~```牙齿被冻到咯咯作响~```呵~```坐着灯光明亮的餐厅里面大叔突然问我觉得最浪漫的事情是什么~```一时竟连一件都想不出来~```突然想起几年前和一个朋友坐在一起聊天~```他问我梦想是什么时候的反应一样~```到底是怎么了~```浪漫~``理想~``这些美好的词汇~```越长大越失去不再闪光~```以至于~```需要别人的提醒~``才能够想起~```

今天睡到下午三点~```打扫了房间~```写了明信片给爸妈和朋友~``晚上和朋友约了吃饭~```一直在落雨~```一起去书店找书~``原本打算买旅行的书回来~```但是翻遍了所有的书都找不到一个想要去到的地方~```真是失望~```

回来像老人家一样看了一份报纸~```吃了一个橙子~```因为觉得时间太早于是看了一集康熙来了~```新年的第一集竟然大家在讲鬼故事~```看到毛骨悚然又欲罢不能~```只好非常不甘心的不看两集好笑的~```好在我记忆力比较差加上自我催眠的能力无敌~```于是笑完之后终于可以关灯去睡觉~```呵真是作孽~```

突然好想一直生活在夏天~```每天回来擦地板~```然后躺在冰凉的地板上看报纸和发呆~```冬天实在是太寒冷了```快一点结束吧~```

2009年的开头总是要写点什么~```想写的应该都已经写完~```愿来到这里的小盆友们都可以在2009年里快乐的生活~```如此~```

加班夜归~```初中的朋友打电话来寻~```于是一路聊着聊着聊回来~````加上在办公室的电话~```不知不觉~``竟讲了约两个小时的电话~```曾经和NN也经历和很多~```然后因为年少气盛~```就这样断绝了联系~```一晃三四年~```就这样过去~```偶尔想起~```也只是笑笑~```因为眼睛一直执着的遥望着前方~```从没有停下来回望过过去~```突然才发现~```这么多年过去~```我真的过着自己曾经想要过的生活~```做自己喜欢做的所有的事情~```勇敢的过着每一天~```却也并没有当初想象过的多么的兴奋~```似乎一切的抵达~``不过是水到渠成~```想想~```才觉得真是不可思议~```我似乎已经把兴奋这件事情给忘记了~```笑~```

前几天Alex从Senegal旅行回来~```下了飞机就打电话给我~``告诉我说他回来了~```晚上等到我下班~```约了见面~```在湖边的小酒吧喝了酒~```又买了冰淇淋坐在湖边上慢慢的吃~```那个刚下飞机的傻瓜~```只穿了一件衬衫和一件大衣~```还把自己的大衣脱下来铺在凳子上给我坐~```一双手冷得像冰块~```还要捧起我的手为我取暖~```还要像傻瓜一样的问我浪漫吗~```真的想打他~```却也只是对牢他漂亮的灰色眼睛笑~```我真的很冷~```可是真的是很快乐~```在这样一个天寒地冻的夜晚~```有这样一个傻瓜~```陪在身边~```虽然~```大家都不知道未来会在哪里~```可是我要的~```就只是这样的陪伴~````我得到的承诺太多~```却没有一个被兑现~```于是没有诺言也很好~```我们就如此走着看看~```看走下去~```到底会走到如何一个天地~```不去期待~``只是好好的~```在一起~```我知道他的珍惜~``只是希望自己也一样能够记得这样一个晚上~```自己心内的感动~```其实我一直是一个热爱破坏的人~```尤其是破坏自己喜欢的东西~```很多东西~``到最后~``都被自己破坏了~```这样矛盾~```我也知道~``只是有的时候~```真的很难控制自己~```呵~```也许~``这也不过是自己对抗幻灭感的一个借口而已~```

星期五的时候和Jim去喝酒~```玩到凌晨四点才到家~```衣服也没脱就倒头去睡~```心里还想着真好~```明天不用上班~``可以玩到这么晚~```结果就是第二天一大早被公司电话叫起来~```抹把脸就打车往单位赶~```跑过去~``面对怒不可揭的客人~```使出浑身解数~``也不过是几句话而已~```却完完全全毁掉了自己整个早上~```心灰意冷的默默的打了车回家~```继续回床上睡~```发现空调又坏掉~```无比郁闷的捶了两下床~```中途被饿醒~```在床上和自己进行顽强的斗争~```懒惰最终战胜了饥饿~```我就这样默默的床上耗费掉一个难得的休息日~```我恨那帮笨蛋~```我恨他们!~```我要杀了他们!````老娘难得休息一天!```操!~``

星期天还是要照常去加班~```在办公室翻了一下报纸~```打电话给刘~```G说下个月回国~```和Williams约了下班碰个头~```没想到他朋友还出了车祸~``呵呵~```真是年关难过~```走路回家~```到家已是11点~```热水器里的洗澡水应该已经烧好~```在网上斗了两句嘴~```约了去看电影~```于是洗澡睡觉~```觉得自己很快乐~```真好~```